Welcome To Natural Running!

Considering I run almost exclusively barefoot it's paradoxical that I'm becoming something of an expert on shoes. I'm constantly being asked to rate the latest brands. Recently someone was telling me that when they were in the Running Shop buying some Nike Free's the salesman explained that the latest version comes without a tongue, in fact he added every time they bring out a new version there's less shoe but the price goes up. So in the end you just get the Nike logo tatooed and there you have it the shoe with ultimate barefoot feel.

So with my growing expertise reviewing shoes, I've decided to think of a trend, “The Feet”, that come to you from AltogetherBut.com. Here's my review.

Feature: Foot gear

Comment: 'Altogether But Co Ltd.' bring you their latest product, “The Feet”.

Rating: A small grouse but – hey - with a production run that runs into billions why can't they provide model numbers!

Feature: Colour

Comment: Colour range is “The Feet's” poorest feature. Mine are slug-white in winter turning to lobster red in summer. The react-to-light feature is great but too slow.

Rating: 01/10

Feature: Size and fitting

Comment: Unique: One 'all' fits any size. Fitting superb – wouldn't know you had it on!

Rating: 10/10

Feature: Weight

Comment: Light as they come. Connecting elastic medium between struts stronger than mild steel.

Rating: 10/10

Feature: Pongability

Comment: Great if rinsed in the occasional puddle. “The Feet” have a unique design feature that lets moisture out for cooling and grip but doesn't let moisture in. Get very smelly if enclosed – avoid this.

Rating: 08/10

Feature: Times through the washing machine

Comment: Oh no,definitely not advised!

Rating: N/A

Feature: Ease of cleaning

Comment: A quick hosing down and occasional pruning is all that they need for a lifetimes service.

Rating: 10/10

Feature: Length of laces

Comment: 'Altogether But' have pulled off another unique one-off. Nothing has to be roped on! Fits securely like a skin. Well done 'Altogether But'!

Rating: 10/10

Feature: Flexibility

Comment: Factory tests show the material of the feet is far superior to the finest rubber. Properly maintained they are guaranteed to bend in all the right places.

Rating: 10/10

Feature: Price

Comment: Free at the point of delivery.

Rating: Don't come cheaper. 10/10

Feature: Packaging

Comment: The placental packaging is awfully messy. After the colour the packaging is far and away “The Feet's” worst feature. If only they didn't send them Flat-packed! It takes yonks before “The Feet's” clever and ingenious arch-suspension systems kick-in. Well worth the wait 'though.

Rating: 02/10

Feature: Performance

Comment: 'Altogether But' have packed more design features into “The Feet” than you could shake a stick at. The unique no nonsense moisture-out, no- moisture-in, fast wicking feature has already been mentioned. There is also:

• a unique self-hardening sole which retains its elasticity while the sole-surface develops a thick penetration resistant 'crust',

• special gel-packs are provided from 'Adiposity' which help, in conjunction with the tough but elastic sole to help to reduce penetration rips as well as acting as heat insulation they also help to cushion the bracing struts of “The Feet”,

• the most stunning feature from 'Altogether But' is the unique load bearing, weight spreading, sprung arch suspension system. It only loads on demand which is an ingenious energy saving device that is also – amazingly self repairing and so requires the minimum maintenance. Be very wary of other brands and take no heed of their advertising claims. Recent factory tests show despite 'fancy' claims other brands make, they may not be all they purport to be.

• Another stunning feature is the ingenious triple arch system designed by Arch Architect from 'Altogether But' involves a 3 arch system which is remotely sprung through an ingenious double spiral winding. It gives fantastic spring recoil return. Once you really experience this system giving a lilt and spring to your step your loyalty to this brand will be secure. It's the nearest thing to perpetual motion!

• More amazing features, besides the on-board 'Plantarplexus' computer for ground sensing there is a link-up to two even more powerful computers operating remotely in the length of the back and in the top of the head. Just switch it on – forget that MP3 player – listen into “The Feet's” frequency. What a wow factor!

• We haven't even mentioned that the feet come with a design feature that rarely sees the light of day. It's called 'The Toes': How they really work is a closely guarded company secret locked away in the vaults of 'Altogether But'. (Even company H.Q.'s location is a secret. Whisper is it might be near New Haven? Who knows. God knows!)

'Altogether But' is a well chosen name for the company that bring you “The Feet”. Send £250.00 right away. You'll be amazed they are so light you'll feel you've nothing on . To all intents they're so invisible that as a special promotional offer we'll send you completely free of charge a certificated license so you can show your friends who probably won't notice that you've even got them on.

HURRY WHILE STOCKS LAST!

Rating: 10/10

Feature: If left on a park bench would someone pinch them

Comment: This is highly unlikely. In all but the hands of a very highly skilled individual a second-hand, used pair of 'The Feet are pretty nigh worthless except for factory testing procedures. If you do find a pair on the park bench send them to 'Altogether But' to recycle 'em.

Rating: 09/10

Feature: Likeability and loyalty score

Comment: For a very long time “The Feet” had a loyal following which went out of fashion. Hopefully this has recently changed. Those who have tried “The Feet” swear by them.

Rating: 9/10 and beyond

Feature: Durability

Comment: With minimum care and maintenance they will simply last a lifetime.